A handy how-to guide for the uneducated reader
Oh, game reviews. What would we do without them? Probably waste a lot of cash on terrible games. After all, a review's purpose is essentially to critique a game's ability to deliver on the fun times, and tell us if we should be clicking our lunch money away on Steam.
Those intellectual types are always banging on about how we should read more- so why not read some reviews? But wait! You don't want to take on this literary task unequipped and essentially blind. Over many years of games criticism, the avid readers of such reviews have formulated an unspoken format on how to best take on the information presented to them. However, by monitoring countless comments sections, tweets and blogs, I have managed to devise the exact formula for analysing any game review. Get ready to get educated, kids.
Maintain a closed mind
Some would say that keeping an open mind helps you to become a more wise and enlightened person. I say that this is absolute bollocks. Why let the trash of the world pollute your obviously superior thoughts with their nonsense? Let’s say you don't like Lego games. Maybe you never even liked playing with Lego as a kid. Ever stepped on that stuff? So painful. Keeping true to your personality is essential to building character, so make sure you stay true to your Lego vendetta and take that exact same attitude right to the comments section of the review of the Lego Movie Videogame. Don’t even bother to attempt to weigh up the pros and cons presented in the piece. Scroll straight down to the comments section and let your Lego rage fly. The review praises the environment in the game? No! The environment is made entirely of Lego! The reviewer is a LEGO LOVING IDIOT who clearly knows nothing about any game, ever. That website should be emailing you any day now, just begging you to take freelance gigs off their hands-all thanks to your strong, intelligent mind.
Skip straight to the numerical rating
Game designers often spend years making a game before its release. Then reviewers spend days playing that game, then quite a few more hours writing a review. Then they re-write it, walk away from it, come back to it, read it again, cry, re-write it, and then send it off to their editor with a new sense of self-loathing (it's a writer thing). Strangely enough, the people who read game reviews tend to skip those hundreds of eloquently written words and turn their attention purely to the game’s overall rating out of ten. When looking at this number, ensure to get very invested in it. Why is this game rated a six and not a seven? Or eight? You might think this is where you'd turn to the actual written review to see the reasons for this phenomenon. No. Once again, just take your angry thoughts straight to the comments section. After all, you know better than the reviewer, right?
Know what makes a great game
A rich and engaging narrative; brilliant character design; an immersive experience that stays with you long after the final boss fight. These are all things that matter not when it comes to a well-made game. Two hundred different weapon choices, graphics that look nice on your giant TV and non-stop shooting are all that you should be looking for in a game. And if you ever see a review criticising a game that meets that criteria, you better dismiss it as utter garbage. Immediately.
Engage with the reviewer
It's always great to get feedback on your writing. Some writers choose not to read the comments section on their reviews for some bizarre reason. Or they might not respond to comments at all-don't feed the trolls and all that. But you have opinions too, damn it, and it's your right to have them heard! Try and connect with the reviewer on a personal level. Trawl through their Twitter feed and try to find a personal angle at which to connect with them. For example, informing them that you think their glasses are fake, and you don't take game recommendations from faux nerd wannabes. What's that? They have astigmatism? Insist that they're liars who bought those cheap frames at Jay Jays for fifteen bucks, then demand they hand in their resignation to their editor immediately. On a similar note, make sure to see what other games that same writer has reviewed recently and what they thought of them. Insist that someone who thoroughly enjoyed playing a lame indie 'masterpiece' like Gone Home has no place in speaking a bad word against the latest Saints Row DLC. Make sure to throw in some insulting reference to their obviously useless university degree and you're done. I'm sure the writer is at home behind their laptop right now, jotting down notes from all your constructive criticism and nodding fervently.